My love, I’m trying.

My love, I’m trying.


Please excuse me whilst I be girly and emotional and philosophical.
When I was in the depths of my illness, I had convinced myself that I could never possibly be a mother. I didn’t want kids because what if they turned out like me? What if they had anxiety issues, OCD, depression, stress, or even developed an eating disorder. I knew I’d blame myself, and that that would make their condition worse. I wouldn’t cope.
But then, something changed. I met people and went places, and I realised that I could be an amazing mother, so long as the perfect father was there too, to comfort and believe in me and take an active role in raising our child.
It’ll be many years before I seriously consider having kids, but I know that I want it. Most of all, I want a son. I think I’d be a great mother to a son.
But there’s also a large chance that my ED may have made me infertile, in which case I really don’t know what to think.

I don’t understand. I don’t know if its lack of sleep, or a come down from the week I’ve had; but I don’t understand why I feel like this.
Why are old thoughts of you creeping in, arising from interactions I observed in other people today, and the fact that you were referenced multiple times out loud.



I have a lot I want to say but no real way to express it to any effect and I feel like I’ve said it all before in 3456billion different ways and is it even worth it welp who knows not me

me too tessy, me too.

I’m going to be like the groke on valentines

Cold, slow, silent, bloated, and damn scary; bringing terror and confusion wherever I go. 

“Mais les yeux sont aveugles. Il faut chercher avec le cœur”

– Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (via echoofmydreams)

Multi-purpose letter, 30/01/13; relapse-weeks

  • Thank you for being there for me. Whether I have known you for 2 years, 11 years, or a mere four months, you have all made a massive difference. I will do my best to make any difference I can for each and everyone of you in your dark hours also.
    Geena, Kathryn, Evie:
  • An email will be on its way soon. Trust me, I know how it feels to receive no response from somebody you care for. I always try to wait for things to settle down before writing to you, but once they do, they flair up again in a different way almost without a break. My wishes are with you, Ellie, you beautiful young woman.
  • Those of you who understand to some degree or try to, have made my school days that little bit easier. I may not be your idea of a perfect student - my work is hardly ever in on time anymore, and I may not complete it in as much detail as I used to. This is only for my health, and I think you will agree that I still attain the same high grades.
  • This doesn't mean to say that I don't worry about my AS grades. I need those As, and I want those As. If I had to repeat a year, I don't think I'd cope with it again. A*s at GCSE don't guarantee the same at A level, and if I fall below my self imposed standard, I would run abroad and study in an international school, as a whole fresh start, than got to a state school or remain in my current poncy-pricey-private institution. It is highly unlikely that I would be able to do this, but at night when I can't sleep I dream of this new life.
  • You are the best clinicians at CAMHS, and deserve much more recognition than you receive. Irene, you have saved me on my darkest days many a time, with your sense of humor and ability to see the depths of my being for what I believe that nobody else sees. Lynsey, you are a true angel. You spread light wherever you go, and I once wrote about you as a role model in my German GCSE. You inspire me with your love for your job; something that is so rare and so joyful to see.
    Irene and Lynsey:
  • I distance myself from you, but I don't want to. Its just the way you act. When you call me weird, when you look at me with that disapproving look when I go home. I know its hard to understand, but I wish you would just take my word for it.
    The girls at school:
  • My views aren't heard because you are scared to accept them. Try to accept that.
  • The look in an animal's eyes on a day when no human has understood is one of the best things that can be unknowingly given by a living being.
    Saffy and The Horses:
  • Thank you for teaching me about a world I have not seen before, and helping me to become a more well-rounded young-woman.
    The members of the Group, the members of Ride high, and the Cruisers:
  • I appreciate you each in different ways, and each more than I think you understand.
    Gabe, Cassie, Alex, Michelle, Bridget:
  • I'm flattered, but it would be impossible. I didn't want to hear it from you, and you've helped me appreciate how it would sound if I said it to somebody who did not want me for the same purpose.
  • I don't talk to you because I don't want to hear that sigh that says "I'm a bad Mother. Its all my fault. Where did I go wrong. I hate myself". I don't want to add to your problems. The problems that are always fired back at me if I express my own. I know you're my Mother and you care, but it isn't always a mother's purpose to support the daughter by talking to problems. This is what friends are for. The same goes to you; I can't mother you. I can't be the one who sorts out your problems and comforts you. Its not a daughters job.
  • I love you.
  • There are ongoing problems that get pushed under the surface only to float back to the top in time. It wasn't you I was upset about on Monday. Yes, I get angry and aggravated with you, but I love you. It is true that when we aren't fighting, staying with you does offer me a break.
  • I don't think I express my love for you enough. I owe you so many thanks, but Grandma, I feel I will never be good enough for you to match up to others. Grandad, I miss you dearly. Grand and Grandbill, you drive us crazy, but we love you so much. I feel better with you in Colchester, and I'll do my best to be there soon.
  • Keep strong, I freaking love you little cuz. I miss you.
  • Keep your shoulders back. I know it's embarrassing that your chest persists on growing at a rate of knots, but as your mother says, "you should be proud of your assets". F cups are only F cups in one shop, and you're full womanly figure just gives you all the more reason to feel empowered.
    Finally, you, Gabby:
  • You're struggling now more than you have in months, but you will persists. And if you fall, the appropriate safety nets are in place. Nothing is the end of the world, just as long as there is not an end of you.
  • Sorry for clogging up your dash-boards.

Crying is exhausting. A fatigue that lasts so long and drains the senses; blocking the ability to perceive and the ability to understand, making it even harder to make decisions, and talking away all reasons to do anything, to talk about anything, to think about anything, so see anything.

In fact; to want anything. To want anything but to run away.

Sometimes, when I search deep inside myself and find that the feeling of intense hatred for all things me is gone, I feel sad. Its like I’ve lost some part of my identity, like in discovering who I am, I’ve really lost it completely. I don’t get this; this eternal battle between self and soul. I thought that being happy would bring me back, but just now it hit me - where the fuck am I tonight?